Talking Dirty To Your Teen

I bet that caught your attention!!!!

You would be surprised at how many calls I get from parents who in doing a little texting reconnaissance on their 14 year old's cell phone, find sexts about blow jobs!!!!! Yes that's right, blow jobs!!! Probably not words you want to read with your morning coffee. So what to do, what to do when you find those two dreaded words coming out of or being received by teens texting fingers? And of course, you must say something!!!! Or why else were you nosing around your teen's phone?

Blow jobs are very much prominent in teen culture, if they are not actually participating in the act, there is a lot of talking about doing it.  In fact most kids when confronted by a parent would probably say...what's the big deal, it's like kissing??? I know this because parents who call me tell me this!

We know why boys want blow jobs.  I don't think you need a parenting expert to explain that. But what about the girls?? I'm guessing most teen girls do not want to engage in oral sex. Many girls are repeatedly harassed by boys to do it, and are told by the boys that they are hot, that they really, really like them, and that they promise they won't tell anyone. Those are all lies!! But, if you are a girl, who feels flattered by this attention, you hope that if they participate they will get the holy grail...a boyfriend! Unfortunately this rarely happens. Not all girls by the way are the victims. They can also be the aggressor. I have had a number of calls from parents of boys who are considered "really cute" by the girls, and are aggresively offered a blow job in hopes of acquiring the all important boyfriend. Many of these boys are not interested, but are in a very precarious position. If they don't accept the offer, what might the girl think of him, and then by extension her friends? And what if the girl than tells another boy that he refused, what kinds of rumors might those boys spread about him? This is a very complicated problem.

So all and all, the only way to deal with this is to engage in a really open conversation.  Saying I don't want you participating in this inappropriate behavior will get you nowhere. You must use the real words, and at least pretend not to be freaked out by this conversation. So if you need to, go somewhere private, and say out loud; blow job, penis, suck, dick. Desensitize yourself to the language. Your teens may never have actually said or heard these words themselves out loud, and will be shocked hearing them come out of your mouth! And that is exactly the point. Teens are very distanced from the language they use in their texts and messaging. Writing words gives someone a very different emotional response than actually hearing them out loud. I want your teens to have the emotional experience of hearing them, and talking about them out loud.

Now, here is where the talking dirty comes in! If you have a daughter, especially a teen daughter who might be going off to co-ed sleep away camp, or will be spending more than usual in unsupervised time with groups of marauding teen-agers this summer, you have a good opening for an oral sex conversation.

You might say:" hey honey, so excited for you this summer. I know you will have a great time with all your friends. I also know that boys are very pushy these days when it comes to wanting girls to send naked pictures and wanting blow jobs." Be ready for your teen to give you an  "OMG what are talking about, leave me alone." But you must persevere. Use humor, break the ice, don't come into this in a lectury parenty kind of way.  Push through with a " so think about it honey, a boy wants to put his erect penis in your mouth...think about that for a second. He is turned on, ejaculates either in your mouth, or all over you. And he isn't even your boyfriend, and there is absolutely nothing in it for you. You are servicing this boy. I get that teens think it is no big deal, in fact kids may be fully clothed even, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that sex and intimacy is all about relationship, and caring. This is about a boy getting a quick fix, not about you. And boys might say nice things to you, about how beautiful you are, and how hot, and how much they like you, which may sound really good especially if you like this kid. But if he really liked you for a girlfriend, he wouldn't want you to be going around giving random boys blow jobs."

If you have sons, you must also have this conversation. Same words, different perspective. "Hey, honey it seems like you have quite the social life these days, and probably feeling horny pretty much all the time. (I'm hoping some dads read this blog too, this is a gender neutral parent conversation, but it should be the parent that has the highest chance of getting through and handling this kind of talk.) I know the guys sit around and think about which girls they have the best shot at getting blow jobs from, but I want you to understand the girls perspective. Most girls want a boyfriend, and they are probably expecting that if they go so far as to put your penis in their mouth that you might consider them girlfriend material. But I'm guessing that is not the case. That in fact, it may be the opposite, that you would be uninterested in having the kind of girl who would give random blow jobs, as a girlfriend. This could be very hurtful and disrespectful to this girl. And I hope that you will think about that before you pressure any girl to go down on you!!" And also parents of boys please please please have a conversation about porn. Remind them again and again, that what they may be watching on porn, the violent exploitation of women, the humiliation of women and the scenes of women liking the whole rape fantasy thing, are actors acting out a sick story, not real women who like being treated this way. Unfortunately, much of the aggressiveness you have been hearing about in news story after news story about campus rapes has been traced back to early experiences with porn.

God this is tough stuff!! Try to engage them in conversation, these are just guidelines for what should be talked about. Try to find a natural opening, maybe in a car during a longish ride, so that they don't have to look you in the face as you talk together. Not all kids are engaging in oral sex, but if you have a teen that is part of a social group there is a good chance they are talking about it.

Being a parent is really hard in this century. I miss the days of making someone you had a crush on a batch of brownies. Maybe you can bring it back!!!